I redid the Trump Bush transcript to make Trump a nice, respectable man.

This works best if you imagine it in Trump’s voice. I have changed none of weirdo Billy Bush’s or poor Arianne Zucker’s quotes. One thing I noticed doing this is that Trump is the disgusting one in private, but he is fairly controlled with Zucker. Billy Bush, meanwhile, is like a cartoon character with his eyes popping out with her. He truly is a total weirdo and creeper.

Donald J. Trump: You know and …

Billy Bush: She used to be great. She’s still very beautiful.

Trump: Beauty isn’t everything, my friend. You know, she was down on Palm Beach. She quizzed me on state capitals, and I failed. I’ll admit it.

Billy Bush: Whoa.

Trump: I failed. I forgot about Saint Paul, Harrisburg. A few others.

Billy Bush: That’s huge news.

Trump: No, no, Nancy. No, this was [unintelligible] — and I had bet quite heavily. But I lost the bet and so I had to take her out furniture shopping.

She wanted to get some furniture. I said, “I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.” She had exquisite taste.

She was apparently moving and you know how that can be a bitch. But I couldn’t get there, to the nice furniture store I knew about. And she was married, by the way, so this was all very innocent. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big orange couch and everything. She’s totally changed her style.

Billy Bush: Sheesh, your girl’s hot as shit. In the purple.

Trump: Whoa! Whoa! That is completely inappropriate. Oh look at this, I just caught a Meowth, wow.

Billy Bush: Yes! The Donald has scored. Whoa, my man!


Trump: It’s a cute pussycat, see?


Trump: All right, you and I will walk out.


Trump: Maybe it’s a different one.

Billy Bush: It better not be the publicist. No, it’s, it’s her, it’s —

Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs because I have been told my breath can be offensive and the last thing I want to do is offend. You know, I’m truly attracted to women— I just start talking to them. It’s like a magnet. Just converse. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they’ll talk about whatever you want. You can do anything.

Billy Bush: Whatever you want.

Trump: Sue Grafton, Proust. You can say anything.

Billy Bush: Uh, yeah, those legs, all I can see is the legs.

Trump: Sue Grafton’s legs?

Billy Bush: Come on shorty.

Trump: Please don’t call me shorty. The nickname I prefer is “honey.”

Billy Bush: Oof, get out of the way, honey. Oh, that’s good legs. Go ahead.

Trump: Thank you. I do agree that legs are important for walking without falling out of a bus. Like Ford, Gerald Ford, remember?

Billy Bush: Down below, pull the handle.

Trump: Hello, how are you? Hi!

Arianne Zucker: Hi, Mr. Trump. How are you? Pleasure to meet you.

Trump: Nice seeing you. Terrific, terrific. You know Billy Bush?

Billy Bush: Hello, nice to see you. How you doing, Arianne?

Zucker: Doing very well, thank you. Are you ready to be a soap star?

Trump: Oh please, you’re the only star here, dear. I’m just some old man grateful to be alive.

Billy Bush: How about a little hug for the Donald? He just got off the bus.

Zucker: Would you like a little hug, darling?

Trump: Eh.

Billy Bush: How about a little hug for the Billy Bushy? I just got off the bus.

Zucker: Billy Bushy, Billy Bushy.

Billy Bush: Here we go. Excellent. Well, you’ve got a nice co-star here.

Zucker: Yes, absolutely.

Trump: This is all very strange.

[Break in video]

Trump: Come on, Billy, don’t be a creeper.

Billy Bush: Soon as a beautiful woman shows up, he just, he takes off. This always happens.

Trump: This makes me very uncomfortable.

Zucker: I’m sorry, come here.

Billy Bush: Let the little guy in here, come on.

Zucker: Yeah, let the little guy in. How you feel now? Better? I should actually be in the middle.

Billy Bush: It’s hard to walk next to a guy like this.

Zucker: Here, wait, hold on.

Billy Bush: Yeah, you get in the middle, there we go.

Trump: Don’t we have some business to conduct, or –

Zucker: This is much better. This is —

Trump: The global temperature is rising at an alarming rate, by the way. It’s terrible.

Zucker: [Sighs]

Billy Bush: Now, if you had to choose honestly between one of us. Me or the Donald?

Trump: As I said earlier, my preferred nickname is “honey.”

Zucker: That’s some pressure right there.

Billy Bush: Seriously, if you had — if you had to take one of us as a date.

Zucker: I have to take the Fifth on that one.

Billy Bush: Really?

Zucker: Yup — I’ll take both.

Trump: That’s very sweet, Arianne, but you should be with someone closer to your own age.

Zucker: Make a right. Here we go. [inaudible]

Billy Bush: Here he goes. I’m gonna leave you here.

Trump: O.K.

Billy Bush: Give me my microphone.

Trump: O.K. Oh, you’re finished?

Billy Bush: You’re my man, yeah.

Trump: Whatever, bro.

Billy Bush: I’m gonna go do our show.

Zucker: Oh, you wanna reset? O.K.