LET’S TEAR UP THE ROAD: A Review of the 2018 Mercedes-Benz AMG GT R By Someone Who Has Never Seen or Driven One and Knows Nothing About Cars

Speed. Power. Finesse.

If you’re like me, you want a vehicle that showcases all three of these attributes, with power to boot, and speed, and finesse to boot. Well, get into the driver’s seat, because with its 2018 selection, luxury car maker Mercedes Benz did not disappoint. The AMG GT R purrs like a kitten, and still lets you bring something home to momma.

You can tell by the slick new exterior build that with the AMG, we are in for something different. In the last few years, many of the cars made by Mercedes looked a little weak and like fags. Not this time — ramrod construction, accented by steel beams and good paint, create a moving vessel that immediately makes you think one word: “Solid.” Actually, let’s make that two words: “Solid car.” Susan Smith could drive this thing into a river with her kids in the backseat and it wouldn’t make a dent.

As car people, we know that looks can be deceiving. Just like the woman you thought was your wife can turn out to be an old man, so too can a flashy coupe be nothing but reheated guts under the hood. Thankfully, Mercedes didn’t skimp on the interior build components, which are the true hearts of any car, in more ways than one. A V6 engine powered by rotating pins? Check. A carboretor (sp?)? Check. The first transmission on the American market to run on strictly gasoline? Double check. Full disclosure: regular readers know I’m a sucker for a V6, which was invented by my father-in-law in the 70s, but even Tom couldn’t envision what Mercedes has done here. This is truly the new generation of engines, full of grit yet nowhere near ruining the chassis, which is the thing that holds the car together.

Okay, okay. I hear you. Let’s get to it — how’s she drive? How does this cocksucker drive? Fuck you for not saying how she drives, how’s she drive? She drive good, or…? Well, hold your horsepower, because she drives like a meth addict binging on a 12 day gay cruise: so easy that it’s almost scary. But with the AMG GT R, there’s no messy santorum to clean up afterward.

As with any Mercedes, it can be a little intimidating getting behind the wheel at first. The turns are tight, and the steering wheel feels like it could be a little too firm, a result of the German screws used in construction. I tend to grease up my Benz wheels with petroleum until I break them in, but that’s pretty standard for your luxury sedans. Get past that, though, and this thing goesFastCar. I’m talking 0 to 60 in .2 seconds fast. Your average user might have a tough time finding the right wide open road to let this girl sing, but if you live in the largely carless but oddly overbuilt capital of North Korea, as I do, you should find plenty of opportunities to gun it and run it.

So would I recommend the Mercedes Benz AMG GT R as a new addition to your carhole? Absolutely. Mercedes has here created the perfect throughline from the rabid anti-Semitism of Henry Ford, to the pristine German engineering car lovers have come to expect. There’s never been a better time to be a hardcore member of the alt-right who also likes automobiles.

My rating:

3.5 Preserved Cars that Jayne Mansfield Died In In a Museum

(Note to my readers — this is my mainstream drivability review for the AMG GT R. If you are looking for my fuckability and love review, click on over to my objectum sexuali car blog, Junk in the Trunk.)