Local Baker Tired of Customers Trying to Start Lawsuits

GUNNISON, COLORADO — Since the Supreme Court announced its decision in the controversial case Masterpiece Cakeshop v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission, business has been booming for area baker Gunther Moles. Normally, Moles would be celebrating the success of his small shop, Gunther’s Baked Goods. But as he tells it, many of his recent new customers have more in mind than a delicious three-tiered lemon crème.

“I’m not sure what these people want,” said Moles. “Yesterday, a woman came in asking if I would bake a wedding cake for her polyamorous commitment ceremony. I said sure, why not? And she just left.”

Gunther’s Baked Goods has been operating since 1967, when Moles took over the storefront from his father, also a lifelong baker. “We get a lot of requests for the cakes with the square layers. Sometimes they want a heart shape. But nothing as crazy as this. I mean, someone ordered a cake shaped like a burning cross, and wanted it to say, Our Fuhrer! Our Savior!. Do these types of events really require cakes?”

“Look,” Moles said wearily, “I understand the law is a bit unclear on this. But a cake shaped like a buck-naked Jesus that says Hung On The Cross? I’m not even sure I understand the statement.”

Legal commenters have said that the Masterpiece Cakeshop decision failed to address the central question of whether a purveyor of wedding cakes could refuse to sell his product for use at a same-sex ceremony. This, in turn, has sparked a rise in potential plaintiffs who wish to test the limits of state anti-discrimination laws. Not that that’s any help for Moles.

“Now, they all want to tell me what the cake is for. I tell them, I don’t need to know! But they insist — oh, it’s for my cousins getting married. It’s for a Chinese man marrying a goat. It’s for two mutes. Then they just look at me!”

For now, Moles is taking the extra business in stride. “I’ll take their money. But I sure don’t enjoy baking a cake shaped like the Hindu Vedas with the words No God But Cock written inside. For goodness sake, you can’t even see the inside of a cake!”

“I’m no Ace of Cakes. I can’t afford to turn down a paying customer. Don’t come looking to me to start up your civil rights action because I’ll bake the damn cake. Unless, of course, this is for a Greek Orthodox ceremony, in which case I must respectfully decline for my own personal reasons.”