A FULL DAY TV SCHEDULE!! For Republicans to Watch Instead of Voting

Honestly, if you’re a Republican today, I don’t know how you are going to find time to vote. The TV today is INCREDIBLE. Going to the polls is going to take, what, AT LEAST 30 or 40 minutes, which is either a half a show or even a WHOLE SHOW. Look at this fucking TV we have today:

7 AM – 8 AM – Two episodes BACK TO BACK of REBA!!! On the “Freeform” channel. Reba McEntire!!! This is a nice way to spend your morning, def, and not just for Repubs.

8 AM – 9 AM – NCIS: Los Angeles, on Oxygen. Now, normally I would not say skip voting to watch NCIS, but this is a rerun of Season Seven, Episode 1 – yep, that’s right, the one where Hetty demands the operation be shut down after Callen goes rogue….DRAMA!!! Eat your breakfast to NCIS.

9 AM – 9:37 (??) AM – The Andy Griffith Show on TVLand. Ah, when men were men. Take a step back to simpler days instead of dealing with the negativity and weirdness of our present times. Literally not sure there was EVER a black person on Andy Griffith, and you’ll almost definitely see black people at the polls.

9:37 AM – 10 AM – Since TVLand has such weird start and stop times, just kick back for 23 minutes and watch COUNTRY MUSIC TELEVISION VIDEOS!!! until some new TV starts. “Make Him Wait” by Abby Anderson – a real song, I love it!

10 AM – 10:30 AM – Detectives say the “first 48” hours of a police investigation are the most crucial. Unfortunately, the show about that is on A&E which is for fags, so instead take in a quick half hour of the 700 Club on Freeform.

10:30 AM – 11 AM – A show called “Mom’s Cooking” on a channel called “LRW,” and the description is literally, “A mother and daughter make pot roast, macaroni and cheese, and peach cobbler”? Sure, why the fuck not?

11 AM – 11:30 AM – Flip back to CMT, because Roseanne is on! And not the new, liberal Roseanne with the gay kid – this is the OLD Roseanne, blue collar AF. I don’t recall the Connors voting, do you? Maybe too concerned with putting food on the table? Hm?

11:30 AM – 2:30 PM – Ah, see. This all started as a joke, but now you can see why not going all the way to the fucking elementary school near the Dairy Queen is really paying off. Can we say: COLLEGE FOOTBALL MEMPHIS AT EAST CAROLINA ON ESPNU??/? Yeah… I think we can. Last year G. Minshew got two touchdowns against the Tigers…can he (she?) repeat that play??

2:30 PM – 3 PM – Lol, yeah, not a hard choice: Two and a Half Men is on Spike. “Winning!”

3 PM – 4 PM – You’d have to have a heart of stone, or be a Jew, to not be touched by the Hallmark Movies classic “The Christmas Cure,” in which an uppity woman doctor returns home, reunites with her high school sweetheart, and learns that maybe her big fancy career isn’t everything. Only on the Hallmark Movies Channel. Tune in to only the second hour where she is less feminist.

4 PM – 5 PM – Okay, that’s enough of that mushy stuff! On to POLICE WOMEN OF MARICOPA COUNTY on the Oprah Winfrey Network!!! Sexy, but also inspiring (like Oprah herself), and today “Kelly breaks up an illegal immigration operation.” Who needs the news – you’ve got all your politics right here!

5 PM – 6 PM – 23 hours of the GODDAM day, NBC is a liberal LIE-BRAL propaganda damn Democrats shit fucking!!!! But from 5 to 6 today they have Nascar on.

6 PM – 7 PM – What’s the only thing better than an episode of Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing? Trick question: TWO EPISODES OF TIM ALLEN’S LAST MAN STANDING. All the comedy you loved on Home Improvement with none of snotty career bitch Jill and liberal Wilson – Last Man Standing!

7 PM – 8 PM – Finally time to crack open a cold one (no imported, please! good old American Corona for me) and take in two brand new episodes of COPS on a channel called WGN America that probably everyone in America watches except the assholes in New York City.